Halo: Survivor
by Yomiko-Ze-Hellbunny-Slayer
Summary: After her hit show, Know Your Stars Halo Style, was cancelled, the crazed Yomiko kidnapped the Halo characters and brought them to an island... to be the cast of her own disturbing version of Survivor!
1. Spooky Doom

For all of those who remember me…I'm BACK! I know you all remember my first halo fic: "Know Your Stars Halo Style!". A lot of you guys loved it! Since I could never finish it (and I know you all wanted to see how it ended), I decided to make a crazy-arse sequel! Also, in this first chapter, it'll flashback and you'll read how it would've ended. Exciting, yes? Now prepare for an all-new (and totally insane) adventure with me and the Halo cast in…Halo: SURVIVOR!

Oh yeah, and I don't own Halo either. (Did you ever once think I did?)

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Yomiko drove the small aircraft onward, chuckling to herself once in awhile for no apparent reason. Well, maybe there was a reason. Perhaps she was thinking about cute 'n cuddily woodland animals bursting into flames, or a giant talking giraffe that molested kids (coughcoughGEOFFREYTHETOYSRUSGIRAFFEcoughcough). Or maybe by chance, she was thinking about the fact that she had successfully drugged, tied-up, and kidnapped the cast of Halo. Yomiko looked in her rear-view mirror, with fluffy pimp dice hanging down, and checked to make sure everyone was still tied up and asleep. Hell, Yomiko even managed to somehow drug and tie up Cortana! How is that freaking possible? She moved her gaze away from the mirror and stared back out the windshield, discovering that she had hit many birds. After activating the windshield wipers, she began talking to herself again.

"Those damn producers…it's THEIR fault that I have to do this! I'll show them what happens when you cancel my show! Hell, I'm double pissed cause I couldn't get in my Fanfiction dot net account, and I friggin had to make a new one! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! MWAHAHAHA!"

The disturbing laughter made one of the hostages, Tartarus, stir slightly in his sleep.

"Mmmm…dancing lollipops…"

Then, like magic, he fell back into unconsciousness.

Yomiko continued ranting. "I still remember it like it was three hours ago…wait, it was…"

_Flashback…_(of spooky doom!)

The participants of Know Your Stars gathered in the lobby, including the ones who either died or exploded (I dunno, Yomiko used some freaky voodoo magic to bring them back). They all were waiting for Master Chief to arrive, since it was his turn to get tortured!

"Damn it, where the hell is he? It's been like…five minutes or something!" Complained Mercy in his old geezer voice.

"Yeah, it's his turn…" Said Cortana. She had transformed back from a human stripper, and she was about to kill something after the horror she faced.

_Flashback within a flashback…_O.O;;

"Cortana…she's part sponge, part hippo, and part ravioli." Said Random Voice Dude, stating one of his obvious lies. Cortana rolled her holographic eyes. "Yeah, I sure am."

That took RVD off guard. "Uhh…Cortana, she MOLESTED Michael Jackson!"

"Yup."

"WHY ARE YOU AGREEING WITH ME?"

"Because I know if I agree with you, it will defeat the whole purpose of you trying to agitate me. I can't be beaten!"

"OH YEAH? Well, Ms. Smarty Pants, I know something you can't possibly agree with!"

"Bring it on."

"Teehee…Cortana, she wants to transform into a human stripper and do it with Gravemind!"

At that, Cortana wanted to throw up. "_No! I must stick to the plan!_" She thought. "_I mean, it's not like it can happen, right?_"

"Umm…yeah, I want to."

Evil laughter came out of the speakers.

"Your wish is my command, Holo-whore."

All of a sudden, in a poof of magic faerie dust (most likely cocaine) Cortana was now tall and blonde, clad only in a playboy bunny outfit. And, in an instant, all the geeky fanboys in the universe became turned on.

"No…no way…" Cortana mumbled, after hearing slithering sounds coming from outside the door. "No way in hell…"

But all of a sudden, a tentacle swooped in and dragged Cortana off the set.

_End flashback within flashback…_-.-

"I WILL get revenge on Random Voice Dude!" Cortana seethed. "I lost my cyber virginity!"

Not wanting to hear the rest of Cortana's rape story, Miranda quickly interrupted.

"Yeah, I want revenge too, damnit! That bastard made fun of my mommy…whom has been highly speculated to be Dr. Halsey…" Miranda trailed off.

"Wasn't there also something about your diary? Didn't it have, like, entries about Tartarus and his ass?" Arbiter blurted out, making Miranda anime fall.

"WHAT? I wasn't informed of this!" Tartarus yelled, slightly aggravated, slightly aroused.

Suddenly, Yomiko burst in.

"Uh, sorry guys. We weren't able to find Master Chief…" But before she could finish, the intercom cracked with static, and RVD's voice came on.

"You fools! You'll never find him! NEVEEEER!" He said, then cackled maniacally.

"Wait a sec…he you guys, follow me." Yomiko said to the cast, and they traveled up the stairway to the soundbooth.

Opening the door, they discovered Master Chief in the chair!

"Ah, fuckberries." He cursed.

The whole cast stood aghast (except for Guilty Spark, cuz he floats). Then, they all turned to Yomiko.

"YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?" They all screamed.

She held her hands up innocently. "No, I swear! I never knew who Random Voice Dude was, I wasn't even casting his part!"

"Then who did?"

'The evil monkey in the closet that points at people."

"Oh."

Then, they all turned back to Chief, with anger, confusion, and weirdness lying in their…EYES.

But, he'd get out if this one way or another. "Well, uh, you see…"

"KICK HIS ASS!" Yelled Johnson, and everyone was about to kill him, until the FBI, network producers, Jason Jones and Joseph Staton from Bungie Studios burst into the building.

"HOLD EVERYTHING!" Agent Snott yelled. And the pissed off Halo cast instantly stopped their murderous rampage.

"Yomiko the Hellbunny Slayer, we regret to inform you that your show has been canceled." A random producer guy said, with absolutely no remorse in his voice. In fact, he sounded relieved! That bastard.

"Yeah, and we need the characters back for Halo 3." Jason stated.

"NEVER!" Yomiko screamed unnecessarily, since they were all standing right there. Using more voodoo magic, she tied up and drugged everyone in two seconds and teleported herself and the cast onto a small jet that was conveniently outside the studio. And, guess what? IT FLEW OFF! Didn't see that coming, did ya?

Agent Snott turned to the rest of his FBI guys. "All right, LET'S GO CHECK MEXICO FOR NO REASON!" And they left in a flash (just like when pedophiles leave the movie theater after discovering that "Bunny Bunny Hop Hop" is actually an X-rated movie and there wouldn't be any kids to molest. Ok, that was random.).

The producers just shrugged their shoulders and started smoking pot. But, Jason and Joseph were still in disbelief of what had transpired.

"Well, we're pretty screwed." Jason said.

"Not quite yet! I've got a secret weapon…" Joe said, then pressed a button on his sleeve. Then, the magic school bus appeared in the room.

"What…the…futch?"

"Just get on, Jason. That weird girl can't have gotten too far."

So, they boarded the bus, and flew off.

_End flashback… _(Finally!)

Yomiko shrugged. These next few weeks would be really crazy…

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To be continued!


	2. Of Barbie Dolls and Disney Land

Hmm…not much to say, except thanks for the three reviews. I enabled anonymous reviews now, so review away, mah G's.

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The magic school bus traveled through a black void, looking for that crazy girl who stole the Halo characters.

"Joe, how the hell can we find them if we're traveling in a _black void_? How do we even know if we're going the right way? And…are we there yet?" Jason had asked those same three questions…like…A BAJILLION TIMES!

"Like I told you the last two times you asked, this is how it's designed, so we'll have to rely on our NINJA intuition…oh, and this nifty map!" Joe said, checking the map again, even though using a map in a black void was totally useless, since there aren't any landmarks.

"Ok, first of all, we ain't ninjas, and secondly…THAT'S A DISNEY LAND MAP!"

"Uhh…yeah, I guess it is."

After a long string of curses, and the pressing of random buttons, they emerged out of the void and into a blue sky, and landed on the ground. After stepping out of the bus, they noticed something was very wrong…

"Hey, why does everything look all cartoonish?" Jason said, looking around at the trees that looked like they had been drawn by a blind, retarded ten year old. Then, a little ways away, there was a red house, also looking like it had been drawn by said ten year old. "Uh, Joe, where the HELL are we?"

"Hmm…" He pondered, looking at the Disney Land map, "I think we're somewhere near Splash Mountain."

Before Jason could remark that Joe was a total dumbass, they heard the most terrifying words ever murmured in the history of man.

"Hey kids! Have you seen my dog, Blue?"

"THERE SHE IS!"

Joe and Jason clung to each other in horror. "NOOOOOOOO!"

_Meanwhile_…

On a sunny beach, there lay the forms of a Cyborg, an A.I. (who was, and actually had been for the entire time, solid and only a foot tall), a giant monkey, a white chick, a black dude, an elite in shiny armor, an annoying ball, and three aliens that looked like a cross between E.T. and a goat.

The cyborg, Master Chief, awoke first. "What the futch happened? Was I at one of Lord Hood's drunken barn dances?"

"No…retard…we we're kidnapped!" Said Cortana, looking up.

Johnson sat up. "Ugh, the last thing I remember was taking the one ring to Mt. Doom…oh wait, that's the movie I saw last week."

"Hee hee, I am a genius." Hummed Guilty Spark, who was totally unfazed by the whole thing.

Miranda stood up, and started stumbling drunkenly. "Uh, I dunno, maybe Master Chief was right about the barn dance thing…"

"AAAH! I LOST MY HAMMER! AND MY FAVORITE BARBIE DOLL!" Tartarus yelled, then started bawling like a baby.

"Oh, shut up." Said Arbiter, and then chucked a Beanie Baby at Tartarus. He stopped crying, and started petting it sensually…creepy…

"Hey, look, they're still asleep." Miranda said, pointing at the three prophets.

"Maybe they died…" Said Master Chief, hope dancing in his eyes. Hope happened to be dancing the can-can, by the way.

"Not today, sonny!" Regret said, and they all magically got to their feet.

"Damnit." MC cursed.

"Oh crap, I'm missing my pills." Truth said, looking through his pockets.

Johnson rolled his eyes. "What, your crazy pills?"

"Nooo…my Viagra."

"WHAT?" And everyone took a few steps back from Truth, even the two other prophets.

"What's the big deal? It gives me a tingly feel-"

They all covered their ears. "SHUT UP!"

"WAIT!" Mercy suddenly shouted, "I remember what happened! We were in the land of unicorns, when all of a sudden giant pretzels attacked the faerie queen, then Neopets flew out of Tartarus's ass, and the shiny rainbow named Jerry saved the day!"

Everyone stared at Mercy for twelve nanoseconds.

"That sounds logical to me." Said Guilty Spark, and everyone nodded in agreement.

"WRONG!"

Everyone turned to the source of the new voice, and discovered…THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE! No, you silly fools. It was Yomiko.

"Alrighty then, now that all of you are awake, we can start this thing!" She said, gesturing for them to follow her. With no other options, they did just that.

_In another area_…

"For the last time…WE'RE NOT PLAYING YOUR FAGGY-ASS GAME!" Joe shouted at Steve.

"Aww, come on, why don't you wanna play Blues Clues?" He whined like a cat in heat.

"Because you're retarded and take a million years to find a frickin clue when it's right in front of your face! We don't have any time for that!" Jason said.

"PLAY THE DAMN GAME, YOU BASTARDS!" Yelled the disembodied children voices.

"Or what? You'll cry?"

"WE'LL TELL OUR MOMMIES!"

Then, pancakes tap-danced.

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To be continued!


	3. Oh teh noes!

Bwahahaha, another new chapter for ya'll. Oh, by the way, there's a moose behind you. O.O

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The Halo cast sat in a semi-circle on crudely cut logs. Yomiko stood before them, waiting for Guilty Spark to stop talking about hair care products.

"So, then you put some Paul Mitchell in your hair, and lather with twenty strokes per nanosecond, and then…"

Yomiko couldn't take it anymore. "ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HAIR SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IT!"

"DON'T RUIN MY DREAMS!" Screamed Guilty Spark, and he sobbed to himself pathetically.

Yomiko sighed, and proceeded to explain. "Alright then, the reason you're all here is because I'm starting a brand new show! You'll all stay here for a few weeks, competing in challenges. Oh, and DON'T start thinking that you'll get to leave if you lose! No, I'll send you to the torture chamber of doom, where you will have to watch Playhouse Disney!"

"OH GOD NO!" Johnson yelled, then began to have seizures.

"Wow, I know Playhouse Disney warps your mind, but damn…there must be some childhood issues there." Miranda mused. In fact, she was right.

_Flashback_… (Ah, not again!)

A cute, chubby Avery Johnson sat in front of the TV…or whatever they have in the 26th century. Anyway, he randomly flipped through channels, while singing a nursery rhyme about goblins that sodomized ponies. Then, all of a sudden, the batteries in the remote ran out! So, whatever channel he stopped on, he'd have to watch for the rest of the day, since he was too lazy to pull his fat arse off the couch!

AND IT WAS PLAYHOUSE DISNEY! BUM BUM BUUUM!

Avery looked questioningly out the window, where lightning was randomly flashing and spooky organ music was playing. Ignoring that, he turned to back to the show, hoping something halfway decent was on. But, he got no such wish.

"Hey kids! It's the Rolly Polly Ollie 12-hour marathon!"

And for the next twelve hours, he had to endure laughing, dancing, and subliminal messages saying to throw gym socks at old people.

_End flashback_…

"Wow, not only is it strange that we could somehow see that flashback, but Sergeant Johnson was a fat kid who watched Rolly Polly Ollie for twelve hours!" Master Chief exclaimed, earning a glare from Johnson.

"Hey, at least _I_ didn't have a secret obsession with Dora the Explorer!" Johnson shot back.

Before they could start slapping each other around, Yomiko interjected. "Johnson's traumatic childhood notwithstanding, I still need to explain some things." And somehow, maybe by hypnosis, MC and AJ (ah, the power of acronyms!) calmly sat down.

"Anywhoozle, you guys will be split up into two different teams. Tartarus, The Arbiter, and The Three Stooges…uh, I mean Prophets, will make up Team Douchebag! GS, AJ, MC, MK, and Cortana-"

"Hey, how come I don't get a cool acronym?" Cortana interrupted.

"-will make up Team Fluffy!"

"Team _Fluffy_? What the hell?" Master Chief mumbled.

"You will play the most pointless games ever created, vote each other off, and win a valuable prize!"

"What's the prize?" Cortana asked cynically, doubting it was worth all of this misery.

"YOU WILL BECOME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE!" Yomiko yelled dramatically.

_Meanwhile, elsewhere_…

"I CANT BELIEVE YOU DRAGGED ME THROUGH EVERY SINGLE SHOW IN NICK JR! NOW WE'RE LOST AGAIN!" Jason yelled. Ah, yes, after outwitting Steve (which isn't hard to do) they had tried to escape, but ended up landing in a different kiddie show each time. Now, they were completely lost. But, something was indeed strange about where they were now. Everything was two-dimensional looking, and Joseph and Jason now had cartoon drawing bodies and paper cutout heads that flapped when they talked.

"I swear, if we're in Gulla Gulla Island or some gay shit like that…I'm kicking your ass." Jason threatened.

But their questions were soon to be answered.

"What? Who are those fags standing by our bus stop?"

"Just ignore them."

"Hah, only a Jew would be wussy enough to ignore everything."

"SHUT THE HELL UP, CARTMAN!"

Joseph turned to Jason. "Holy crap! We're in South Park!"

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Jeez, I'm so freaking lazy. This chapter is hella short. But don't worry, I'll update soon!


	4. What The Futch is You Gay Hoe?

Alrighty then, chapter four is here! Oh, and that Moose behind you is now playing hopscotch with your goldfish. Don't ask.

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"Ruler of the _universe_? That's bullcrap." Cortana said ever-so-cynically.

"No, really! That's the final challenge! The last two people play Neopets, and the first one to find the 'Magical Stone of 1337-ness' will rule the universe!" Yomiko countered.

"What the hell? Do you really expect any of us to beli-" Cortana paused mid-sentence, and looked over to everyone else, noticing they were all drooling like idiots and obviously believing Yomiko's fooked-up story. "Ah, hell."

"Ok then, since everyone agrees…HERE WE GOOOO!" She said, doing a crappy imitation of Mario. Then she pulled out a Dingerie Doo…or whatever those Australian instruments are called.

"_Now_ what are you doing?" Cortana said, then a random Cortana-hater came out of nowhere and duck-taped her holographic mouth shut.

"It wouldn't be Survivor without the weird theme song." She said, then played some notes on the Dingerie-Doo-Dad, and then sang the freaky song. "HEY HEY YO YO YO HEY HA HA HAY HI YOYO HEY HOHO HAIYO-" And she continued on for several minutes, until Tartarus threatened her with his Beanie Baby, which effectively shut her up (somehow).

"Alright, Team Fluffy, your camp is located ten feet away." Yomiko said, pointing to some tents. Glad to put some distance between themselves and the psychotic anime-loving author, Team Fluffy speed walked to their camp.

"Team Douchebag, your camp is on the other side of the island. Have fun walking there!"

After much grumbles and curses that were too mature for this story, they trudged off to their camp.

_The next day_…

Team Fluffy slept somewhat comfortably in their tents. Since they were one short, Cortana and 343 Guilty Spark had to share one, although neither of them really needed sleep, but they _will_ sleep because it's my story, damnit!

Then, all of a sudden…

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

"What the hell? Did I just hear AOL?" Miranda said, emerging from her tent.

"Yeah, I heard it, too." Johnson said, lazily getting out of his tent with his Baby Bop blanket in hand…(fanboys glare at author) Uh, I mean .50 Cal machine gun!

"Hey, I want my blanket back!" Johnson whined, and the machine-gun poofed back into a pink Baby Bop blanket.

Then, Johnson noticed something weird sticking out of a tree. "Hey, it's a computer!"

"No, it's Frodo Baggins in a freaking sailor suit!" Cortana said sarcastically from her tent.

"SHUT UP YOUR BITCHINESS!" Said the random Cortana-hater from before.

"ANYWAY, I'm checking the e-mail. There's a bunch of spam and porn site adds, but we do have one letter from Yomiko." Miranda said.

"What does it say?" Asked Johnson, reading a _Tokyo Mew Mew_ manga he stole from the author.

"It says… 'In the cards you will find…um…ah screw it, I'm too lazy to make up some clever message. You're playing YuGiOh, or as I like to call it, You Gay Hoe.'"

"We're playing You Gay Hoe?" Asked Master Chief, who finally woke up. "Does this challenge involve transvestites or something?"

"No, it's a stupid card game." Said Miranda. When they all finally hauled ass, they made their way to Yomiko's base.

_At Team Douchebag_…

"What! What is this 'You Gay Hoe' that she speaks of?" Arbiter said after reading the message.

"I believe it's a game that involves transvestites." Said Regret, trying to act smart.

"I heard it was some sort of mating ceremony for a race of people called 'niirds'". Truth said.

"Whatever it is, I have a feeling it's going to drive me crazier than I already am." Arbiter sighed.

_Later_…

"Now that both teams are here, we can begin the first challenge!" Yomiko cheered. "Ok, I've randomly selected one person from each team. The one who wins will win immunity for their team, and the loser's team will have to vote off someone and send them to the Playhouse Disney Chamber of Terror."

Yomiko paused dramatically.

"From Team Fluffy… Guilty Spark!"

"HORRAY!" Shouted GS, "I LUV YUGIOH!"

O.O;;; Ok, then.

"From Team Douchebag…Prophet of Mercy!"

"WHAT!" He screeched, looking as if a hippo offered him crack-filled Care Bears.

Yomiko brought out two decks of YuGiOh cards that she stole from Toys R Us when she was bored. "It's time to D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"

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Yeah, I know, there was nothing about Joe and Jason's adventure in this chapter. That'll be continued next time!


	5. F4n B0i

Geez, I'm such a liar. I said I would update as soon as possible…and when was that, two months ago? Ah, most of you don't read these author notes anyway, so I'll cut to the cheese…uh, chase.

-

Jason and Joe stared at the cast of South Park, and they stared back. Neither party was able to say anything, so something needed to break the ice…

Just then, Kenny exploded.

"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!" Stan yelled.

"YOU BASTARD!" Kyle screamed, pointing at the author.

"Well, I needed to move the story along some how." She said, shrugging. And, in the typical South Park fashion, they forgot about their dead friend in an instant. There would most likely be a new Kenny the next day, anyway.

"So, anywhoozle…we're from an alternate dimension, and we need help getting back." Jason stated.

The three boys sighed. "Sure dude, whatever." Said Cartman.

Joe was confused. "…That's it? No questions?"

"Listen buddy," Kyle interjected, "We've seen a giant Barbara Streisand, aliens, a taco that craps ice cream, an army of old people, zombies, pirate ghosts, a hippie concert of doom, a homicidal Dawson's Creek trapper keeper, people from the future, Osama Bin laden, Satan and Sadam trying to take over the world, a death match between crippled kids, Scientologists, Rosie O'Donnell…shall I go on?"

"No…we get the point." Jason said.

"Nothing phases us anymore." Stan added.

"Will you help us then?"

"We've got nothing better to do. Come on, we'll take you to those Star Trek nerds who helped us make a time machine and glue balls on Butters's chin."

_Meanwhile, back at the ranch_…

"OMG HAX111"

"Lol skillz."

The Yugioh battle had gone beyond anyone's expectation. By some force of the universe, The Prophet of Mercy was _winning_ the Yugioh game! And he had also begun speaking in a 1337 accent. And let me tell you, a 700-year-old 1337-speaking alien geezer was a weird sight to behold.

"LOL! I B B33TIN J00 W/ MAH BL00 EYZ WITE DRAG0N!" Mercy shouted in geeky triumph.

"H311 N0!1!1! U WH04R, U CH33T1N!" Guilty Spark retorted.

In a few turns, the match was over. Mercy had actually won immunity, which meant Team Fluffy would be voting that night. But then, _something even weirder_ happened…

"MOON PRISM POWER!" Mercy shouted.

And in a few rainbow flashes, he had transformed Sailor Moon style. But instead of a Sailor Soldier, he was now a FAN BOY! That's right. Instead of that white robe, it was now a Jedi robe. Also, he now had fake Spock ears, and braces over his gray teeth. HOLY FUCK!

"What…THE HELL?" Said everyone else in existence.

"Lol I am t3h fan b0i!" He said.

"Oh god, now we have to LIVE with him like that!" Arbiter shouted in terror.

"Oh man, that is SO SEXY!" Tartarus moaned. Everyone stared at him in shock. "Uh, I mean…ah, hell."

"Well, I'm gonna go puke now." Yomiko stated. "See ya later, Fluffy. You'll be voting someone off." Yomiko walked back to her base. Team Fluffy HAULED ASS back to theirs, and Team Douchebag trudged back, but stayed a good distance away from Mercy and Tartarus.

-

TBC


	6. I Wuv You!

Well, now that it's summer, I have NO EXCUSE to not be updating! So, here you go, it's chapter six of my insane brainfart Halo Survivor.

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At Team Douchebag's campsite, many odd events were happening. It would be another night and a morning before they had to participate in another retarded game of Yomiko's, so they had hours of free time…

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" Arbiter was on his knees, screaming at the stars in the cliché dramatic moment fashion. He was surrounded by complete morons on an island with no escape. Although he was loosing his marbles, he was still the most normal of the five in Team Douchebag.

Tartarus was in his tent, writing love letters and poetry to a certain someone. Although Tartarus would screw anything that moved…or didn't move… there was one person he liked the most. "Oh Bob the Builder, how I love thee…" He swooned. At one time when he was depressed, he had picked up a 500 year old radio transmission on board his phantom. It was a show called Bob the Builder, and it had taught him that he could do anything if he tried. From then on, Tartarus would chant to himself: "Can I do it? YES I CAN!"

Regret was sitting outside, having a very loud argument with a sock puppet. "FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME, IF ASHLEE SIMPSON WAS IN A DEATHMATCH WITH AVRIL LAVIGNE, AVRIL WOULD SO WIN!" The sock puppet remained silent. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP YOU DAMN SOCK!" The sock puppet bitch-slapped Regret. "Owwie."

Truth had temporarily transformed into Pikachu somehow, and was busy humping a tree. "Someone get this thing off me!" Screamed the tree, "Buhhda, Zeus, God, ONE OF YOU GUYS DOOO SOMETHING!" Mysterious lightning zapped the tree, relieving it of it's misery.

Mercy was the strangest site of all. He was assembling Gundam models that he stole from Kermit the Frog, and he had dressed up two Barbie dolls (one as Princess Leia, the other as Padme Amidalla) and was making the dolls and Mobile Suits have a tea party.

Suddenly, Yomiko burst into this scene of retardation. "MERCY, I'M KICKING YOUR ASS!" She yelled.

"What in the name of wookies did I do?" He said defensively.

"YOU STOLE THEM, I KNOW YOU DID!"

"For your information, I stole these models from that green Muppet dude!"

"I'm not talking about those! You stole my _Battle Doll Angelic Layer_ DVD collection, all of my _Fruits Basket _and _Tokyo Mew Mew _manga, and my figurine of Sakura from _Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle_!"

"Ok, first of all, Sargeant Johnson stole you Tokyo Mew Mew crap!" Mercy pointed out.

"And how would you know this?" Yomiko asked.

"He helped me steal everything else… uh oh…"

Yomiko beat his ass with a giant Furby. "I WUV YOU!" It said each time it was pummeled into Mercy's skull. After he was bloodied up, Yomiko snatched her anime and walked back to prepare for the tribal council dealie.

_Later that evening_…

Team Fluffy sat around a campfire, fidgeting uncomfortably. Johnson almost went into seizures again at the thought of the Playhouse Disney Chamber of Doom, but was stopped when Elmo, summoned by Yomiko, pimp-slapped him fifty times.

"Alright, let's start this thing!" Yomiko said. "Each one of you will walk up to that table and write a name on the slip of paper. The person with the most votes…"

"GET'S ICECREAM!" Avery shouted, hoping to confuse Yomiko and make her think that was the real outcome. His hopes were dashed when Yomiko ordered Elmo to pimp slap him again. "TICKLE ME, BITCH!" He shouted in Johnson's face.

"Anyway," She continued, "The person with the most votes has to watch Playhouse Disney for ALL ETERNITY…or until the FBI finds us."

The whole process began, but unlike the original Survivor, no time was wasted filming their bitchy little comments as they wrote down the names. After a couple of minutes, Yomiko began counting the votes.

"Let's see… all five of them say '343 Guilty Spark'." She said, then turned to GS. "You voted yourself out?"

"Hehehe, I am a genius."

Yomiko sighed. "You suck so much…" She then pressed a button, and the floating gaytard was teleported to the Chamber of Doom.

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TBC


	7. Cortana's 10 Second Rebellion

Yeah, it's been over a year, but with schoolwork and the death of my best friend, I haven't been up to writing. Anyway, this chapter contains three Halo 3 spoilers. If you don't want to know the fate of three characters before you play the game, then go play the game, fool! D:

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All was quiet in the town of Seattle. Hookers weren't roaming the streets catcalling, gangs weren't pointlessly shooting each other, and there wasn't a yowling cat-in-heat to be found. This rare peace was suddenly interrupted by a flash of light outside Bungie Studios, and the introduction of two voices into the night sky…

"Chouto matte, Narrator-sensei," Yomiko said in a moment of weeabooism, "Why all the drama so suddenly? This is a comedy, damn it!"

STFU Yomiko, and quit using Japanese in English sentences. Anyway, the duo who had been lost in the land of infant/pre-pubescent entertainment were now standing in front of their office.

"Well, the machine those nerds built was able to get us home…" Joe started.

"…But that crazy bitch still has our characters!" Jason finished, "And the deadline for Halo 3 is _tomorrow_! How the hell can we finish an epic game that quickly? We're screwed more than a schoolgirl in hentai anime."

"Wait, I have a plan!" Joe declared in a sudden stroke of genius… or perhaps insanity…

-

As the sun rose over the remote island of utter retardation, an African medley chased away the silence of the morning.

"AAAAAAAAAAH SYMBOTNYA BAYA ITI YAGA!"

"Damn alarm clock!" Shouted Master Chief as he slammed his fist down upon his Lion King alarm clock, and shattered it. "Crap."

Gradually, Team Fluffy emerged from their tents, dreading the fact that they would be forced to either witness or participate in some other ridiculous event. Oddly, the overly cheerful voice of the You've-Got-Mail Guy hadn't made itself known yet. Instead, the message had been written on Miranda's forehead.

"Somebody _please_ give me a shot gun, I'm going to kill that girl…" Miranda commented as the other three members of the team gathered around to read the terrible chicken scratch handwriting on her face.

"It says that she was too busy to write an e-mail, so we have to go to her lair to find out what she wants." Cortana cited.

On the way to Yomiko's Lair, they met up with the Covenant team, and were greeted by the sight of Mercy cosplaying as Mew Ichigo.

"Oh Jesus…" Said Johnson as he shielded his eyes from the traumatic horror before him. The rest of Team Fluffy chose to say nothing, and busied themselves by staring at Tartarus molesting his Beanie Baby, which was easier on the eyes. Thankfully, when they arrived at the Lair, Yomiko stopped what she was doing and threatened Mercy at gunpoint to take off the damn outfit. Begrudgingly, he did so.

"Now that you're all here, I need to show you something before we begin any competitions today." Yomiko said, indicating to her Xbox 360.

"HALO 3?!"

"Yes. Apparently, they went ahead and made the game without you. Needless to say, it's very strange…" She selected her last checkpoint, and resumed playing Campaign mode. The backgrounds looked as if they were made of paper, and colored with finger paints. All of the characters were represented by deformed marionette puppets.

Shocked at the absurdity of it all, they watch Yomiko play the game. No one spoke, until the end of the first cutscene of the level called "The Covenant."

"WHAT THE HELL? I WAS SHOT BY THE FRIGGIN PROPHET OF TRUTH, OF ALL THINGS???" Miranda screamed, then sat with her head in her hands. "What an undignified way to die…"

"Hey! I can be pretty gangsta when I want to!" Truth said indignantly, attempting to make a gang sign with his three fingers.

Later on in the level…

"Eh…" Truth nervously glanced at the Arbiter and shuffled three feet to the left.

Near the end of the game…

"WTF? GUILTY SPARK KILLED ME???" Johnson shouted, and buried his head in his hands in the same fashion as Miranda did. "What an even _lamer_ way to die…"

Meanwhile, in the Chamber… 

"Doo dee doo, I'm having fun!" Spark said merrily as another horrid episode of _Hannah Montana _played on the big screen.

Back to the ranch… 

"Well, that was fun." Yomiko shut off her Xbox. "Now it's time for the challenges!"

"Hell no, we need to get back to Seattle and fix that game!" Cortana retorted.

"Nah, it's too late for any of that." Yomiko said dismissively. "You might as well…"

"It's _your_ fault the game sucks! You kidnapped us!" Cortana continued, and pumped her holographic fist in the air. "IT'S TIME FOR A REBELLION!"

"God damnit…" Yomiko sighed, and pressed a button on her sleeve. Cortana was then teleported to the Chamber, and now out of the game. "Anyone else?"

Nothing could be heard but crickets.

"Alrighty then! Here's a status update: Team Fluffy is down to three members…"

Grumbles could be heard from the aforementioned team.

"…And Team Douchebag still has all five. Not that Cortana and Guilty Spark were particularly useful in any way, but it still leaves Team Fluffy at a disadvantage. Therefore, in the next challenge, the winning team will pick one person from a group of select contestants to join their crew! The loser, of course, has to vote off yet another person." She glanced at the Humans as she said the last line.

Yomiko walked over to a curtain that had appeared out of nowhere, and unveiled its contents. There stood the following: Lord Hood, decked out in ghetto bling; Rtas Vadumee, lured here with the promise of cheese cake; Kermit the frog, who came to get his stolen Gundam models back from Mercy; Flood-infected Mendoza, summoned from Halo 1; and Swiper the fox, who wanted to get away from that stupid latina child and her talking monkey friend.

"Yo homies." Lord Hood said, making a cool gang sign.

"Hey, let's recruit that human, he can teach me the ways of gangsta-ness!" Said Truth.

"By the gods, am I the only one who's in character on this island?" Arbiter muttered to himself. His statement was affirmed by the fact that Johnson and Master Chief were now fighting over the Baby Bop blanket. Yomiko snatched the blanket, holding it hostage so that the two humans would pay attention.

"The contest shall be a simple one," Yomiko continued, "whomever can withstand watching an episode of Beyblade the longest without fainting, vomiting, committing suicide, or having an epileptic seizure shall win." She summoned a television, put on earmuffs, and started the show.

As expected, almost everyone was suffering in some form or another by the time the opening credits were over. The only one left unaffected was Master Chief. When Yomiko questioned him, he responded with "My visor protects me from extremely crappy anime shows."

"Well, we have a winner! Master Chief, pick your new team mate." She gestured to the five selections.

Lord Hood popped his collar.

Vadumee sloppily ate cheesecake.

Kermit had Mercy in a full-nelson stranglehold.

Mendoza gurgled and chewed on his arm.

Swiper looked bored, but sane.

"I'll take the fox guy." Master Chief said, indicating Swiper with his finger.

xxxxx

Now that I've been inspired, I'll update faster.


End file.
